I take a test each week at my therapy session, numerically numbering my Levels.
My most concerning Levels (2 out of 3), finally took a little jump down. Down is good...down is getting better, inching away from the edge.
I have been making connections, learning lessons.
In a few words: abandonment, loss, control.
I am talking about the past, talking about the present, and my thoughts roll around and land different places, like a pinball machine.
Yesterday my thoughts landed on a confrontation that I had with another parent at my daughter's school in the spring. I decided to step into my shoes before the confrontation. I realized that with the few teeny tiny realizations I have made through the past 3 weeks, if then was now, I would be compelled to approach the situation a bit differently. Last spring, I think it ended as well as it could have under the circumstances and in my emotional state.
I saw that mom today, as I do almost every day and I explained that I was therapying, learning, growing, and that I wanted to add an adendum "I'm sorry" to the first one that was at the end of our conversation months ago. I shed a tear, she might have to. And I felt another little shard of metal come loose from the cage I have put myself in. freedom....? freedom? Are you out there?