Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Emails, Notes, Phone calls.

Yes, I am not ok. Have I ever been?

I just wrote a reply to my cousin who wrote with concern that I hadn't posted in a few days....so here it is:

Email 1:
Thanks for the note. I have entered a new level of attempted domesticity which involves meal-planning, budgeting and cooking.
All of which leave little time for blogging.

So far I absolutely suck at budgeting, so when I had a craving for bagels today, to save money, I had to make my own, which is no small task, and also not very good for you, because homemade ones are AWESOME...thus eating higher quantities...

I am also just fighting to keep fighting, and the past few days have been a whole lot of that...also considering easing up on the blogging this year, we'll see....

THEN SHE REPLIED WONDERING WHAT I MEANT BY FIGHTING TO KEEP FIGHTING:

Email 2:
"fighting to keep fighting"

Most of my days are spent fighting to find myself, be myself, be happy. I feel like ever since I started my AED medication I became shrouded in layers of medication. Some days are better than others.

The past year has been a long process of finding the right medicine, the right hormone levels etc. to feel the most like my un-medicated self. The one cure-all is exercise. If I miss my workout, my day is far worse than it is even with it. The only time I can fit this in 5 days a week is at 5:30 in the morning. I am a morning person, so in theory this is not a big deal. The worst side effect of my meds, besides the blues is the affect it has on my sleep. I am rarely drowsy during the day, but my meds put me so under that I don't even hear Lil Sis in the middle of the night (apparently every night now) when she wakes up to go to the bathroom.

After a full 8 hours of sleep, the hardest moment of my day is rising to that alarm...I know that seems normal, but this is different....it's like SO HARD, almost painful.

Have you seen that movie Horton hears a who? and the who's are yelling as LOUD as they can and no one can hear them? There is like a tiny Kristy Cheerleader screaming as loud as she can to keep fighting! Victory! You can do it! She is very hard to hear....and seems to be getting more and more distant at times.

So, there is the long explanation: fighting with myself to KEEP FIGHTING....

Rise! Achieve! Win!

When all I want to do most of the time is just stay in those warm sheets.

Thanks for caring.

10 comments:

Rachel H said...

Aww- I was definately wondering too! Keep on keepin' on! And homemade bagels? Dude that sounds awesome! Sending happy thoughts your way...=)

Gedde Adventures said...

Kage, I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I will just pray for you in this time. I just wanted to let you know too, that I really enjoy your blogging... it is nice that you are spending some time at home though...

Janet said...

Our prayers are with you. You can fix bagels for us anytime.

Beth said...

Kage - Seriously I think I always write things like this, but you are SO STRONG. I can't believe all you have been through. You are an inspiration (sorry for sounding corny).

And I can't believe you made homemade bagels. THAT's domesticity!

Chloe said...

YOU make bagels? That's it, I'm coming over...

onehm said...

Kristy,
I am truly amazed at all that you do when you are feeling like this. Very inspiring.
I struggle with the blues and I know how difficult it is. You keep taking care of you and your little family and blog when it feels right to you. Don't worry about us, we'll still be here! ;)
HUGS.

DTA said...

Here comes a hug.....all the way from home!

Here comes a kiss..... I am blowing it all the way from here!

Here comes a prayer .... are you feeling it all the way from here and from heaven!

You are always my hero!

Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeee love ya!

DAD

nowlze said...

prayers and love your way, kage. please let me know if i can do anything for you....hope you have reached the peak of this and that you are on your way back to yourself.

love your blog, but if you need a break, take it!

Anonymous said...

What recipe did you use for the bagels? any links?
thanks!

Kage said...

anon, I just use the recipe in my better homes and gardens cookbook. It's super easy.....