1 year ago today, her world was totally rocked. RRRRRRRRRR--OH---cKed.
she'll never forget:
waking up wondering why she was taking a nap on top of her clean laundry, on her husband's side of the bed, when she needed to get to lunch with a friend.
staring at herself in the mirror, touching her head with her middle finger, not understanding that she was in pain and that she was swollen.
her feeling of panic: where are my children? what day is it?
her husband responding after a disoriented phone call
k-larS coming to her aid.
not wanting to throw up everywhere in the waiting room at the hospital.
feeling startled at the repeated questions: are you pregnant? did your husband do this?
listening to her two roommates, one who was old, ailing and could not communicate with English, one who was an actor/dancer, with major spine issues, telling her story over and over and over again, so much so that she actually googled her when she got home....
family sending greetings, heather bringing her ben and jerrys, jen sending her a book, sara a care package, the cards, emails, phone calls, the genuine concern.
standing at the nurses' desk on day 3, telling them she would stand there and wait until they discharged her...it was her baby's birthday,: I WILL BE GOING HOME NOW.
And then she went home.
her mom spent a week with their family. She helped them so much. She loved her daughter, talked to her about everything but the head bump. It helped her to be treated like she was normal, and not disabled.
she cried to sleep a lot.
she remembers Easter weekend. she had an allergic reaction to her first medication, and she didn't take meds for 2 days. That was the last time she felt FULLY herself.
Picking up her cell phone in Times Square, hearing that her MRI showed that her brain had a bleed that was healing. Having to think through that news.
feeling physically sad
new perception of where exactly things are
explaining her condition, being met with full understanding 100% of the time
high medical bills
a break from work
reversing things: notes on a music staff, birthdays
holes in her thoughts
falling asleep if she sits too long
She wonders, is 1 year being seizure-free a celebration? She has had a handful of experiences that might pass for mini-seizures, so is she really seizure-free? Is it a major accomplishment or a small tick?
one year. and now presenting, the rest of her life.
She reflects on the cycle of the past year:
confusion-surprise-sadness-survival-pushing-fighting-struggling-breaking down-grieving-mourning-accepting-finally accepting
She feels more like the new her.
finding words easily
She wishes that more of that would be part of the new her.
She has hope that it will return during the second year. Year 2. Seizure free? she hopes. Epilepsy free? nope.
brain cupcakes anyone?