Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mommy College

For the first time in my career as Mom, I have had this thought cross my mind: I can't do this.

I need to quit work.
I have to be here for my kids all the time, every second.
I have 2 kids in 2 different schools and I just can't do this.

And at the same time I called this a transition ahead of time. I knew it would be just that, a transition. I gave my energy to the children, to the home. I honed in on them. I let the computer stay off. I snuck glances at my iphone when they weren't around. I asked them questions about their experiences at school. I was empathetic. Guys, I had empathy.

They each had their meltdown moment(s). I caught them when they were about to fall. I dismissed negative energy that seeped in and really tried to be positive. I lost my favorite (seriously, it NEVER inside-outs) umbrella, on the train. I got 4 bug bites. I got drenched in the rain. I read the emails about how to prevent the swine flu. I filled out the paperwork, recruited my reliables to be the emergency contacts. I cleaned up after Lolly, reminding myself that I cleaned up after Phoebe when she was that age too.

I made some of the breakfast and some of the lunch. I practiced with Phoebe.

I tried to take a nap. I was interrupted 8ish times. I exhibited patience. The only time I lost it was when a car pretty much almost ran us over and I hit it with my purple ruffle umbrella and forgot about my speech therapy and yelled.

The past few days I have been thinking about how to spend my time to be my best mother self. I cracked the handbook for Lolly's school and saw a resource list of 35 or so books on parenting and education. And in my moment of: "I cannot possibly continue doing this," I thought, maybe I should do a little research.

I schlurpped back to the days when I first found out I was pregnant and all the reading and research I did. I learned so much about labor and delivery and surprised myself with the decision to go the natural/midwife route. And since then I have browsed just a few parenting books and I decided I need to browse some more. Because, the mothering's getting into the unknown territory now. I think I could do better. Now, I don't want to say I am going to commit to reading that entire list, but I do want to delve into some of those once I have that 4-hour time block, 4 times a week. Stay tuned.


nowlze said...

just the other day an awesome mom shared with me these words from another awesome mom:

"the key to being a great mom is being flexible".

we all know that we HAVE to be flexible whether we like it or not, but choosing to be flexible and not let the transitions get you down is another matter.

you can do it. you are one of the most amazing moms i know!

also, _mama zen_ my karen maezen miller changed my life.

Heather said...

This is a great post. I think I've noticed a little more adaptable Kage...and I like it!

D said...

I liked the paragraph about trying to take a nap and getting interrupted 8ish times and almost run over by a car. Of course you are going to have trouble napping on city roadways, no matter how much patience you have.

Kage said...

You criticizing my writing D? So I didn't edit...

D said...

I would never criticize. Never.
I just thought it was kind of fun.

Cali said...

Is it possible that you are adding to much into your life that isn't really Maybe, it's time you give that a break and totally devote your time to the mom thing. See if you like it and it's more manageable. Voice therapy....and that being the reason you lost it? Kinda seems overboard. Just saying. I have 4 girls, I understand the emotions and craziness. They are all 2 years apart and I know it can be hard. Maybe take a break and only focus on the girls. Is there really anyting more important right now?

Chloe said...

Good work on the empathy - proud of you :) And you are a reader, you always have been. So read, research, study. You will find your answers, I'm sure of it. Be flexible. Don't add too many new things to your life right now.

Janet said...

You can do're a very smart lady. Let the love of your children be your guide, and ask every evening for special blessings to accomplish it.

Rachel H said...

Lovely comment by Janet!Amen to that! I too think you can find a happy middle ground..where you may realize that you cannot truly "do it all"...and that's ok! A season for everything, right? And during this short season of raising little people, you might find that you can have more peace in your mind and heart if you work less..and maybe that need for "you time" can be filled in other ways, what ever that may be!

As a mom who'd love to be able to "Do it ALL" (family,personal persuits,career aspirations,etc..), those are words of advice I have to tell myself all the time!!=)

Penny said...

I got a great piece of advice this weekend... my son told several Mom friends of mine that I always say "no." He's not been happy with me for the past 4 days because of all of the "no's." So one of my friends told me that I'm not trying to raise happy 9 year-olds, I'm trying to raise happy 30 year-olds.