For the first time in my career as Mom, I have had this thought cross my mind: I can't do this.
I need to quit work.
I have to be here for my kids all the time, every second.
I have 2 kids in 2 different schools and I just can't do this.
And at the same time I called this a transition ahead of time. I knew it would be just that, a transition. I gave my energy to the children, to the home. I honed in on them. I let the computer stay off. I snuck glances at my iphone when they weren't around. I asked them questions about their experiences at school. I was empathetic. Guys, I had empathy.
They each had their meltdown moment(s). I caught them when they were about to fall. I dismissed negative energy that seeped in and really tried to be positive. I lost my favorite (seriously, it NEVER inside-outs) umbrella, on the train. I got 4 bug bites. I got drenched in the rain. I read the emails about how to prevent the swine flu. I filled out the paperwork, recruited my reliables to be the emergency contacts. I cleaned up after Lolly, reminding myself that I cleaned up after Phoebe when she was that age too.
I made some of the breakfast and some of the lunch. I practiced with Phoebe.
I tried to take a nap. I was interrupted 8ish times. I exhibited patience. The only time I lost it was when a car pretty much almost ran us over and I hit it with my purple ruffle umbrella and forgot about my speech therapy and yelled.
The past few days I have been thinking about how to spend my time to be my best mother self. I cracked the handbook for Lolly's school and saw a resource list of 35 or so books on parenting and education. And in my moment of: "I cannot possibly continue doing this," I thought, maybe I should do a little research.
I schlurpped back to the days when I first found out I was pregnant and all the reading and research I did. I learned so much about labor and delivery and surprised myself with the decision to go the natural/midwife route. And since then I have browsed just a few parenting books and I decided I need to browse some more. Because, the mothering thing....it's getting into the unknown territory now. I think I could do better. Now, I don't want to say I am going to commit to reading that entire list, but I do want to delve into some of those once I have that 4-hour time block, 4 times a week. Stay tuned.